


Darkness of the Water

by Seawitchkaraoke



Category: October Daye Series - Seanan McGuire
Genre: (spoilers in the tags but i gotta warn for this), Almost Drowning, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Other, Simon needs a hug, Suicidal Thoughts, no one actually attempts suicide, simon is an angsty dude
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:16:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28128999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seawitchkaraoke/pseuds/Seawitchkaraoke
Summary: Dianda and Patrick take Simon back to Saltmist... but in their first day together, Simon has some doubts on whether he should really be there.
Relationships: Dianda Lorden/Patrick Lorden, Dianda Lorden/Patrick Lorden/Simon Torquill, Patrick Lorden/Simon Torquill
Comments: 8
Kudos: 19
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Darkness of the Water

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Geekhyena](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geekhyena/gifts).



> Happy yuletide! Hopefully you enjoy your gift!

He shouldn‘t be here.

Simon was listening to Patrick breathing quietly beside him and to the ever-present sound of waves and water that permeated every inch of the undersea, just like the salty smell of the air and the way even the darkness was shaded in seawater greens and blues.

He stared at the ceiling.

Patrick was sleeping, had been for a while now, judging by the stillness of his body and the evenness of his breathing. Dianda was presumably asleep as well, though she‘d chosen to sleep in the water tonight – the past days had been rather stressful and adding sleeping on dry land to that wouldn‘t help.

Simon could not sleep. He didn‘t want to sleep and wake up to find it had all been a pleasant dream, but perversely he equally didn‘t want to wake up to Patrick and Dianda smiling at him and being so damn gentle with him when he didn‘t deserve any of it.

Not when he‘d done so much damage.

Oh, of course, it had all started out of his desire to protect Patrick. It had continued out of the desire to find August. And yes, She had driven her poisonous thorns into his mind, but none of that excused his actions, which despite everything, had still been his, still been the result of his misguided choices. It had still been him, who turned October into a fish and effectively stole the family she had built from her. It had been him who abducted his sister-in-law and niece and imprisoned them in a dark void for years. It had been him who caused the man he loved more than almost anything else in the world so much pain.

It had been him who turned that man‘s son into a tree, damning him to spend centuries as a slow growing creature, if not for the sea witch’s intervention.

Dean and his parents said they forgave him. Dianda and Patrick claimed to love him, and it was easy to believe this in the waking hours of the night, easy to look into their eyes and believe the love there.

Easy to pretend he was worthy of that love.

But now? Lying here, deep under the sea, Simon knew with bone deep certainty, that he wasn‘t worthy of their love or their forgiveness. He wasn‘t worthy of anything much, not anymore; he had given any worth he might have had away the day he sold himself to Her.

Simon rolled out of bed, carefully, slowly as to not wake Patrick, and walked toward the hole that opened in the ground – the private door that connected the underwater world to their chambers to make it easier for them to move between land and water.

The water was still. Everyone was asleep, Dianda‘s underwater chambers were a little way away, and the remaining Selkies did not come here for obvious reasons. There was no one to see Simon, no one to ask him what he was doing…. It would be so easy.

So easy to just step into the water‘s embrace. The potion that allowed him to breathe underwater had long since worn off, it would be so  _ easy _ to simply let himself sink into those dark greens and blues and simply stop his dancing – not that he‘d ever been much of a dancer.

Dianda and Patrick claimed to love him, but surely they‘d be better off not having to worry about him. They wouldn‘t have to come in conflict with their son over loving the man who had almost condemned him to a century of stillness. August and October wouldn‘t have to decide between him and their mother – August didn‘t know he was back anyway, it wouldn‘t change much in her life, it would be better to simply disappear, rather than complicate her life again - right?

Unsure, Simon stuck a single toe into the water, moving it around lightly, creating a tiny splashing sound. The water was cool on his skin; the sea didn‘t care about his dark thoughts, it wouldn‘t care if he let it claim him and it wouldn‘t care if he didn‘t. It didn‘t have any opinions on him at all, but it would drown him nonetheless if he allowed it to.

It would be so easy.

No. He couldn‘t do that to the people who – however unwisely – loved him. They didn‘t deserve to mourn him; if they thought they could love him, they deserved to realize how misguided that love was on their own. He would leave them with no complaints when they inevitably cast him out, but he wouldn‘t abandon them. He wouldn‘t take that choice from them.

„Simon?“, came Patrick‘s puzzled voice behind him, „what are you doing?“ 

Simon startled violently, spinning around, and slipping as his wet foot failed to grip halt on the stones.

He fell .

„SIMON!“ was the last thing he heard, Patrick‘s panicked face and outstretched hand the last thing he saw, before he fell backwards into the water, a sharp pain exploding in the back of his skull as it hit the edge of the entrance on his way down.

Then there was only darkness, dark spots in his vision dancing with the darkness of the ocean water, Simon fought to stay awake, to get back to somewhere he could breathe, he couldn‘t breathe Oberon, he couldn‘t BREATHE, his mouth and nose were full of water instead of air, something was incredibly wrong, but his senses were rapidly abandoning him and even if he had the control left to swim, he‘d long lost the orientation to know which way was up.

Simon stopped fighting, stopped moving, as the dancing black spots finally entirely overwhelmed the dark green-blueness of the water.

The last thing he felt were two strong arms around his waist.

  
  


Simon woke to a hand clenching his tightly and the sound of violent hysterical sobbing coming from his side. Patrick‘s head was buried in Dianda‘s neck and he was crying. He was crying worse than Simon had ever seen him before and he suddenly felt a huge surge of shame roll over him, as he realized that he had done this, that he had hurt the man he loved  _ again. _

Dianda looked up from whispering reassurances into Patrick‘s hair and her eyes widened: „He‘s awake!“, she detached Patrick from her arms and forcefully turned him to face Simon, „Patrick, he‘s awake!“, then she glared at Simon „took you long enough too! I really didn‘t think I‘d have to explain to you to be careful about not drowning in the undersea, but apparently we need to install safety rails.“

Simon recoiled slightly from her forceful tone until he heard the underlying relief in it. He looked from her to Patrick, who was staring at him and still crying, and back, „I… I‘m sorry, I didn‘t mean to fall, I-“

Suddenly he found himself with his arms full of Patrick, who was now sobbing into his shoulder instead of Dianda‘s: „I‘m sorry, I startled you, this is my fault, I‘m so sorry, if Dianda hadn't pulled you out -, oh Oberon, I'm so sorry!!“

„What?“, The realization of what Patrick was saying hit Simon like a wave of ice water, „you think this is your fault? This isn‘t… how could you possibly think this is your fault?“

„I startled y-“

Simon didn‘t let him talk „It was my fault! I stood too close to the water, I was so busy feeling sorry for myself and considering just jumping in that I didn‘t realize I woke you, this was my fault, just like everything else, PLEASE don‘t blame yourself for this, Patrick, I couldn‘t stand it!“

As he ended his rant, he found Patrick had pulled back and was now staring at him with horror in his eyes.

„What…. What did I say?“

„You really considered…. Simon, why?“, Dianda sounded as horrified as Patrick looked.

Oh. He hadn‘t meant to tell them that, hadn‘t meant to burden him with his weakness, but the thought of Patrick possibly blaming himself had banished all other concerns and limits from his mind.

He took a deep breath -

and promptly started coughing violently, causing Dianda and Patrick to immediately rush closer to his side, holding him close as he shook through the fit. Clearly inhaling as much water as he had had consequences despite the skills of the Duchy‘s healer.

Slowly Simon‘s breathing calmed down again, and he could finally whisper out his desperate explanation: „I wasn‘t going to, I promise, I wasn‘t, I couldn‘t do that to you, not after everything I already did, it was a moment of weakness, but I wouldn‘t I swear I wouldn‘t, please believe me.“

He looked up at Patrick, tears in his eyes from the coughing fit or from his desperate need for Patrick to understand, he couldn‘t tell.

„Please believe me!“

Patrick looked at him for a long moment, his eyes searching for deception, but terrified of finding it, and finally nodded, finally pulled Simon closer into his embrace, chasing the cold from his bones.

When they finally separated, Simon looked up to Dianda, who was sitting next to them and looked at him steadily.

„I like you, Simon Torquill, and I think I could come to love you, given time. But if you kill yourself, if you willingly abandon my husband to join the nighthaunts after he just spent decades thinking you lost to him, I will beg October for the secret to calling the nighthaunts, just so I can call you back and then murder you a second time.“

Simon smiled. This threat, that should have been terrifying, was somehow reassuring instead; Dianda loved Patrick, loved him as much as Simon did. If she, who had spent so much time with Patrick, who protected him so fiercely, who would tear the world apart for him, thought Simon was worthy of being here, to the point of threatening him not to kill himself, then who was he to argue?

„Understood“, he said and Dianda answered his smile with her own: Good, she said and finally shifted closer to them to join their embrace, intertwining her long tail with their legs.

They lay there in silence for a long moment and Simon at last felt something like contentness. There would still be dark, silent days under the sea when he‘d doubt his worthiness, doubt his place with them. Even now it was hard to believe their love. But he wouldn‘t leave them, not willingly, not while he had a choice. And he did, finally, for the first time in far too long, have a choice.

….

„So“, Dianda broke the silence, „we already kind of offered but you didn‘t actually answer. Do you want to marry us?“


End file.
